How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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