I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
