in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
