I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
