don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
