Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
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What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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