I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
