peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
its not stalking. its research.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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