I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
