Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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