I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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