You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
