I think im going to throw up on grandma
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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