weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
