if only i could text you this smell
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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