Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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