FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
