I smell stomach acid.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
