Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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