I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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