yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
