having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
how drunk are you?
Several
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
