I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
