Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
So squirting runs in the family.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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