So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm gonna fight the coyote
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
