It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
