he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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