omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
