Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
