The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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