other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
There are leaves in my underwear?
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