@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
