i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Randomize
