I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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