i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
