dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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