jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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