PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
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i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
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I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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