Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
