I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
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After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
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You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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