tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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