you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My penis needs a shock collar
They are going to name an STD after you.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
