When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
