The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
