3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
