Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
