hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
