Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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