I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
