I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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