I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
