Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
