How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
