Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
