Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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