I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
